Every morning, the first thing I do after waking up is reach for my phone. I want to check what the time is – even though I won’t remember once I check my messages. The first person that I usually text is my boyfriend, let’s call him Bob. Bob is loving, caring, funny, ambitious, and sexy. He takes great care of himself, and that’s why his six-pack is all over his Instagram page (relax, I’ll keep my boep sucked in). Bob is also polyamorous, which means that he is capable of loving more than one person at a time, and that’s okay with me. Since we’re in a long-distance relationship, our morning chats usually revolve around the quality of the previous night’s sleep. I can’t confirm or deny that my sleep is worse than a certain radio station’s 8 to 10 AM slot.
Anyway, it was all fun and games until one reply left me with a new haircut. That’s right, Bob snatched my edges and then proceed to scalp me.
“My boyfriend’s stepmother passed away.”
Now, I don’t have a stepmother, so he definitely wasn’t referring to me. I didn’t know whether to feel like:
I was shook!
Bob has a whole other boyfriend that I knew nothing about.
“Uhm, but you said that he is polyamorous, so what’s the issue?”
Well, the issue is that when I entered into a relationship with him there was absolutely no mention of another boyfriend in this relationship. Depending on how you look at it, his mistake was not informing me about his relationship status, or my mistake was not asking about his relationship status. Either way, I have the kind of chest pains that cannot be remedied by a teaspoon of cough mixture. I feel like I’ve been lied to. I’m “Becky with the brush cut” (thank you, Beyoncé).
While I’ve never been in a polyamorous relationship (until now, apparently) I understand why people enter into them and I respect that. However, I think we need to remember that there are rules that need to be in place for everyone’s sake.
Firstly, before you introduce someone else to the relationship, check if your current partner is okay with it.
Secondly, make sure that the potential new addition is also okay with it. If everyone is in agreement, you can all have an honest conversation about how you’re going to conduct this relationship in a way that satisfies everyone that is involved.
Most importantly, make sure that your significant others know that you love and respect them. After all, this is a relationship and not a contest (unless you’re part of that reality show where the men [or women] outnumber the roses). Ladies, polyamory is for you too, though I’m pretty sure you already knew that 😉
As for me, I guess I have a lot of thinking to do. In the meantime, I’ll be right here, all by myself…
— submitted by Anonymous*
*Anonymous is a dear friend that messaged me one day with his account of a poly relationship gone wrong. From subsequent messages it was clear that Bob is a dick! He seemed to have very little regard for Anonymous’ feelings even though he claimed to care for him. Bob, if you’re reading this. Next time please be blatantly honest and check with all involved in your poly relationship that they know and understand what is going on. Don’t assume they know anything.