As stated in my previous blog posts mid-2015 was not the best time of my life. But this year things started looking up. I am working, living away from my parents and supporting myself. After months of singledom under my belt, I have been starting to feel happy with being alone and enjoying the time spent with myself. I have done a lot of intro- and retrospection. I am learning so much about ME, perhaps most importantly: there is so much about myself that is hidden.
*Enter Grindr.*
So, I decided to create a Grindr account to chat to guys in my area (I live about an hour from the city centre and I don’t know any other gay guys where I live; it can get quite lonesome) and perhaps make some friends IRL. [Is anyone else feeling like that’s pathetic? It should be easy to make friends in real life, right?]
Anyone that is or has ever been on Grindr will know that people generally don’t read your profile info (apart from what’s important to them, like, your age, BMI and whether you’re top or bottom). However, I decided to fill in all the info required plus make an added effort to beef-up my “about me” section. In the “looking for” I selected: Friends, Networking.
My data
Height: 160cm.
Weight: 56KG.
Body type: Slim.
That is clear as glass, right?
Well, it doesn’t seem so. I get a barrage of so-what-are-looking-fors and wanna-shags*.
His data
Height: 188cm
Weight: 82KG
Body type: Average
Recently, I started chatting to a guy and we hit it off from the first few messages. He seemed to have studied my profile and he seemed one of the sweetest guys ever. I thought that when we met up my bubble would be burst with the sharpest pin! Boy, was I wrong. He genuinely seemed to understand where I was at with regards to being single and not looking to hook up. At our first meeting the conversation flowed and it was so heart-warming to think that one could actually make a genuine friend off Grindr.
Come second meeting.
We are sitting on his couch and he suggests that we cuddle. I giggle but make my way next to him and we cuddle and watch TV. We just do that. IT FEELS SO GOOD. Especially after a while of being on my own. I have this innate need for protection, comfort and pampering after periods of being strong or working hard to reach a goal. This need was being completely met by this cuddle session.
Now, I can hear you all saying “but you were not looking for a relationship or to hookup…”
You’re right. And to me this was neither. For me this was just what it said on the packet: a cuddle. I have friends that I cuddle with and it’s never been sexual. [VIWE! HOW COULD YOU BE SO NAIVE?!]
So, Mr Guy slowly starts rubbing my back and I let it slide… a few minutes later I am wrapped in his arms with my face buried in his neck. At this point I am thinking that it feels nice to be held and OH GOSH he smells so good. His hands are touching my ass. Oh heavens, he shouldn’t do that… This is not what I wanted but why does it feel good? Tell him to stop.
STOP! *I smile awkwardly*
He says: “You’re so cute.”, and touches my nose.
Me: Please stop…
Mr Guy: OK, OK… I’ll just hold you.
[Time passes… he is massaging my back and then we are kissing. It feels so good to be touched.]
Me: Alright but just get your hands out from under my clothes.
Mr Guy: Just enjoy.
Me: Stop… No, we must stop. I should go.
Mr Guy: Stay a little longer
[I try to wriggle my way out from his hold. I end up sitting on top of him.]
Mr Guy: Kiss me. Come on, kiss me.
Me: [kisses his forehead] There. Now I really must go.
[A few more kisses and eventually I am out of his house and on the way home.]
***
What happened there? Like, why did it go down like that? Why do I feel violated? Why do I fee l ashamed? I said “no” and “stop” more times than I’ve written here, but why do I feel like I didn’t say it enough? How many times is enough? Why did it feel rapey? Was I sexually assaulted?
ViweTafeniBlog 
It looks like you were sending mixed signals: saying ‘no’ but behaving ‘maybe’ or even ‘yes’. If one gets a kiss and a cuddle, it sure seems like an invitation to go further. It strikes me that your blog is all about you and your needs (see how often you write ‘I’, ‘me’ & ‘my’) not about what you can share with, or give, to your partner. I try to do the latter in the belief it will make me a better partner. Just a thought.
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and thank you for commenting!
Sure, “saying ‘no’ and behaving ‘maybe’ or even ‘yes'”could be perceived as consent to go further… However, it is NOT consent. As partners and lovers we need to understand what seems like consent and what ACTUAL consent is. After reading my post a friend introduced me to the term: enthusiastic consent. This means being as excited and into someone else’s enjoyment as we are excited and into our own enjoyment. I feel this needs to override any perceived consent. When I consider all the times I’ve had amazing sexual experiences, I can safely say I asked or was asked by my partner whether I wanted to go further. All these times I felt important, considered and loved.
Yes, I wrote the account from my perspective because I didn’t feel safe sitting down with the person I was trying to get away from and discussing what his needs were. Also, as stated before, this was our second meeting and boundaries and expectations were discussed. If he had used your logic – considering what he could share with, or give, to his partner – then this would not have happened the way it had and I would have probably written an account of how amazingly considerate he was. Just a thought. 🙂
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Hello Viwe
Upon stumbling reading this post I could relate to what you went through a 100%. Having gone through something like that myself I know exactly how it feels. There is a clear difference between wanting to be held and made to feel special than being coerced into an awkward position. People need to realize just because you’re in his arms doesn’t mean you want sex. I’m glad you were able to get out of that situation. Stay safe
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